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Apathy, Thy name is Suckitude

October 27, 2011

I started this blog to blog my life in anonymity. I haven’t felt like I had anything worth blogging about but then I read a recent Hyperbole and a Half entry. It was about depression, sadness for no damn reason.

It’s disappointing to feel sad for no reason. Sadness can be almost pleasantly indulgent when you have a way to justify it – you can listen to sad music and imagine yourself as the protagonist in a dramatic movie. You can gaze out the window while you’re crying and think “This is so sad. I can’t even believe how sad this whole situation is. I bet even a reenactment of my sadness could bring an entire theater audience to tears.”

But my sadness didn’t have a purpose. Listening to sad music and imagining that my life was a movie just made me feel kind of weird because I couldn’t really get behind the idea of a movie where the character is sad for no reason.

Hyperbole and a Half (10/27/2011)

Ummm, yeah. I relate.

Let me just fill you in here. I am bipolar II as well as being affected by the seasons. As soon as October hits, I start to wind down mentally, physically and emotionally. In short, this sucks. I am a man of many interests. I read, draw, model in 3d, code, play games, code games, devise game and applications ideas, etc and so forth.

Recently, I found myself spending more and more time catching up on comics I have in my feedly collection. This is not good. This is indicative of upcoming debilitating apathy. When this happens, I only have energy for work, soon as I’m home, I turn on my computer and surf around the net and eventually only comics will hold my interest. Everything around the house falls to the wayside. I can’t bring myself to do laundry, dishes, clean up after the boys ( they’re cats btw.) Hell, sometimes I don’t even shower. I live alone so my place could easily reach FEMA-qualified disaster status. Fortunately, my loving and understanding mother stops by often enough to help me keep my place in order during my down cycle.

Of course, this couldn’t happen at a worse time. I’ve just finished a paralegal certification program. I am currently an assembler at a factory. Considering I have two Bachelor’s degrees, I really don’t want to be 50 and still gluing and assembling. (I’m 33 so I’m dangerously close to that becoming reality. ) So, I need to get the hell out of Dodge, and pronto!

Unfortunately, my lethargy and apathy is threatening to turn my job search into something painful and tedious. There’s a position at a hospital, but I need to do a cover letter and a resume. This requires energy that I am quite low on. I’m doing it, though. The prospect of the alternative is putting a bit of embers in my pants.

Anyways, I’ve rambled enough. I feel better just writing this.

Signing off,
Peril P. Eagle

7 Comments leave one →
  1. Greta Kirkland permalink
    October 28, 2011 12:36 PM

    I found you from a link provided by the “Paralegal Hell” blog. I, too, read the Hyperbole post yesterday, and it was quite interesting. That, along with your post, has made me think about some aspects in my life that I haven’t explored. When I become paralyzed and unable to move forward, maybe there’s actually a reason and not some horrible character flaw in me.

    I pay attention to signs from the universe, the these two posts on consecutive days has gotten my attention.

    I wish you well, and look forward to your future posts.


    • October 28, 2011 2:49 PM

      Glad you found me! PH rocks! LOL

      When I was 19, the idea that my brain was broken and no amount of willpower was going to fix it pissed me off. I’ve since accepted it and adopted a “work around yourself” mentality. A visit to a psychiatrist can really help put things in perspective, including the parts of your life that were not your fault, in a manner of speaking. This will remove a HUGE weight off your shoulder and make quite a few things bearable. I’ve been on meds since I was 19. If it wasn’t for the meds, I’d be bouncing from job to job and little by little apathy would consume me, sticking around longer each time. As it is now, when summer comes, I can just shrug it off and go dream. 🙂

      Anyways, thanks for the the well wishes, sorry for the dissertation, and wish you well in anything you choose to do.

      Signing off,
      Peril P. Eagle

  2. October 29, 2011 5:08 PM

    Welcome to the blawgosphere. I found you via PH, too. I look forward to following your blog, and am sending best wishes that you’ll get to use your many talents in a career change that is good for you – and that you’ll feel better soon. I agree that counseling and talented medical providers can be life-saving and life-changing when those dark thoughts threaten to sink you.

    Peace & grace,
    Practical Paralegalism,

    • October 29, 2011 6:05 PM

      Thanks for stopping by! Yea, Who knew blogging could be so cathartic. (well, maybe you folks did 😉 )
      I just need it to be spring. I always come back around, just hate dealing with the inevitability of the cycles.

      I hope to hear more from you regarding my posts.

      BTW doesn’t PH just rock?

      Signing off,
      Peril P. Eagle

  3. October 30, 2011 5:36 PM

    Welcome to the blogging world! PH, of course, pointed me your way. 🙂 Also, thanks for the link on your subsequent post. I, too, deal with depression in the winter. I deal with chronic depression anyway, but the summer makes it soo much easier. I agree that realizing it’s not your fault or something you can really control is a gamechanger. Nothing like having that added guilt or frustration on top of everything else. Anyway, it’s nice to “meet” you!

    • October 30, 2011 7:46 PM

      Hey there Momalegal,
      I’m honored you’d grace my blog with your presence. As far as I am concerned, you, PH and Grumpy are the trinity of the blogosphere!
      I was delighted to link your blog!

      Those times of depressions can be a real ass-kicker can they? Life’s easier when you know you’re not blame for most of it.

      Anyway, it was my pleasure in meeting you! We’ll talk I’m sure. I’ve joined the purgatory panel 🙂 See you around!

      Signing off,
      Peril P. Eagle

      • November 5, 2011 9:48 AM

        Aww, thanks! You are too kind. 🙂

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